With five shopping days left until Christmas—and four for Hanukkah, slacker—you might be feeling pressure to come through with some great gifts for friends and family. Not to worry: the Republican and Democratic parties are here to help! From decorative lapel-wear to straight-talkin’ tees, the parties’ respective online stores are offering a festive array of gift selections this holiday season. Here are some real winners, sure to please the partisan in your life. In no particular order:
1. Limited Edition American Eagle Brooch
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From the National Republican Congressional Committee comes this “exquisite piece.” For the low price of $72—or $200 for three!—you can show off your American pride while helping “preserve our Conservative House Majority.”
2. ACTION Mugs
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Take an executive action and order these mugs. Delicious-looking hot cocoa, shortbread cookies, and cozy blanket do not appear to be included.
3. George W. Bush Quote Mousepad
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For that someone who could use a bit of W. wisdom with each click they make. At $15, it’s a steal from the NRCC—and it could appreciate in value with any additional Bush presidencies.
4. I Am Organizing For Action, Long-Sleeve-T Edition
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There’s no better way to communicate that you’re organizing for action than this handsome, olive long-sleeve tee that says, “I am organizing for action.” For $20, it’s a solid choice for that community organizer you know with a flair for subtlety.
5. George H.W. Bush Autograph Socks
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From the color combo to the presidential signature, these socks are just beautiful. They were supposedly designed for H.W. himself—widely known to be a sock man—and for $41 (get it?!), this is the ideal gift for the boat-shoe-wearing College Republican in your life.
6. Very Blue Shirt
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Great gift! Unless you have trouble distinguishing between identical shades of blue, or if you have issues with the Democrats’ logo rebrand. But it’s $30, and the DNC says it can “withstand sports,” so it’s still an OK buy. It’ll really complement that sweet arm tat.
7. Anti-Tea Party Travel Mug
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There’s nothing quite like a good travel mug with a strong opinion. At $30, this is a certified “great gift.” The mug has even pissed off the Daily Caller—a priceless value-add.
8. “Official” Cheney GOP Cowboy Hat
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The clear winner this holiday season: this limited-edition hat from the RNC, engraved with Dick’s signature, and lined with a gold Republican Party seal. For a cool $72, you can “help elect our next Republican president” while channeling America’s favorite Republican vice president. It’ll be sure to add that stylish touch to your enhanced cattle-rustlin’ techniques.
Disclaimer: Obviously, you should not buy any of these things. Nobody wants to talk politics at Christmas. Don’t make Mom get into this.