“It Appears All Hope Is Lost,” House Republicans Warn

I have one last chance to send them my money.

Kevin McCarthy

Kevin McCarthy is disappointed.Tom Williams/CQ Roll Call via AP

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Last month, I got an angry email from the Republican Party. I’d just written a snarky blog post about some dubious fundraising solicitations from the House GOP campaign arm—“13X MATCH today only!”—but that wasn’t what they were writing to complain about.

No, they were upset I hadn’t responded to an “exit poll” that would apparently help “secure our elections” (and would also provide another chance to get that 13X match).

“I am absolutely heartbroken that you’ve ignored us time and time again,” wrote Meg at the National Republican Congressional Committee, a few days after the midterm elections.

“At one moment in time, you would have JUMPED at the opportunity to supply House Republicans with the information they need to verify the results of our Midterm Elections,” she added. “But now? You won’t even lift a finger to fill out our two-question exit poll, even though we BEGGED you time and time again to respond.”

Woah.

Look: I get it. There was supposed to have been a world-historical red wave, but there we were—nearly a week after the polls had closed—and it still wasn’t totally clear that Republicans would even win the House. Emotions were high. It sucks when the people you thought you could rely on won’t respond to your messages.

I decided to give the NRCC a couple of weeks to compose itself.

Yesterday, with the House of Representatives safely in GOP hands, I resolved to give the fundraising team another shot. Surely they’d be more upbeat—and more polite!—now.

Nope. Turns out they are still “disappointed” about that 13X match.

“Look, House Republicans FAILED our FIRST End of Month deadline since we FIRED Pelosi!” the NRCC informed me. “Democrats are gleeful. But our Secret Republican Santas are really disappointed because you failed to accept their 13X match.”

It went on like this.

“Our worst nightmare has become a reality: we missed our end of month goal by just $3,409.”

Yikes.

“If things continue down this path, we can say goodbye to our chance at defending our conservative majority in the House. We might lose to Democrats for good!”

Oh dear.

“This is a disaster because our country needs Republican leadership right now.”

A disaster!

“At this time, when it appears all hope is lost, I am relying on you to be the patriot we need to make a difference.”

Uhhhh…

“The future of this nation depends on you,” the email concluded. “You have until midnight!”

Sadly, I missed the deadline.

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