Julian Assange: Coming to a Nativity Scene Near You

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Looking for the perfect holiday decoration to one-up that neighbor who synced his Christmas lights to Slayer? How about a statuette of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange for your nativity scene. Seriously. Inspired by the silver-haired Australian‘s online escapades, a Naples creche creator has crafted an Assange figurine (holding a laptop, naturally) to go along with the more traditional Mary, Joseph, and Jesus ensemble. It’s a Christmas miracle.

Reuters:

“I included him to poke a little fun at the world and have a good time,” said Di Virgilio, 29, whose family has been making nativity statuettes and ornate creches since 1830. “In a sense, Assange is the man of the year,” said Di Virgilio

There is only one copy of the Assange statuette, which costs 130 euros. Di Virgilio says he will make others on request. There are, however, multiple copies of statuettes of Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi that Italians can place in the manger with the Holy Family, the wise men, the ox and the sheep.

MoJo‘s profile of Assange last June suggested that he brings only a rucksack when he travels, so perhaps the laptop is a little ambitious.

The prospect of Assange attending the Nativity did make us wonder, though: What would a leaked State Department cable of the big event look like? After all, if this is how they report on a wedding in Dagestan, one can only imagine how the Roman ambassador might react to the birth of the Lord and one true savior:

SUBJECT: A BABY SHOWER IN BETHLEHEM

ROME 00000241200 001 OUT OF 001

SUMMARY

———

On December 24th, attended an impromptu summit in Bethlehem, a midsized city under the control of King Herod. Herod projects a public image as a family man, although there have been reports he murdered no fewer than two of his children, and at least one wife. Opposition members have argued that Herod may suffer from fits of acute paranoia, citing his controversial proposal to summarily kill every first-born son in his kingdom. Analysts say the measure, if enacted, could lead to economic contraction in the near future, as the kingdom reacts to a dwindling labor supply and a suddenly aging populace.

[redacted]

As the newborn lay in the traditional oaken manger, the welcoming commitee, which included a cow, two sheep, one camel, and a quartet of cherubs, were seen to be looking on with unusual interest bordering on reverence. The adoration of the cherubs, however, did little to dispel whispered rumors about the identity of the child’s biological father [redacted]. Visiting dignitaries arrived conspicuously late, lavishing gifts such as [redacted], [redacted], and [redacted] that seemed more appropriate for a deity than a first-time mother.

And MoJo copy editor, and resident WikiLeak guru, Adam Weinstein takes his stab below the jump.

25 DEC, 23:45 ZULU: CENTCOM SIGINT reports movement of three major foreign dignitaries from the East with heavily packed convoys to Judean area of operations. Local national HUMINT confirms arrival of dels at known safehouse for Semitic tribal gatherings, in Bethlehem district at grid 31.26 N 35.7 E. Contents of convoy believed to include significant caches of gold and several tree resins which could be enriched to WMD-grade.

G2 ASSESSMENT: The summit could signal the possible anointing of new monarchy-based leadership for tribe that’s historically chafed under Coalition Forces rule. Anticipate long-term uptick in religious insurgent activity. Not currently known whether this gathering is related to unexplained astronomical event, visible in night sky bearing 090 degrees.

23:50 ZULU: Jerusalem assets report that PM HEROD’s census for males continues apace. G2 investigating whether the measure may be a prelude to large-scale military buildup in the region. For his part, PM Herod told EMB Charge D’Affaires Gaius Julius that the statistical study was “routine” and related to his sudden interest in local mystical traditions. Local ground forces captain PILATE requests INR analysts prepare an updated report for the Secretary on PM HEROD’s continued mental fitness for command.

H/t RNS

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Corrupt leaders the world over can (and will) try to shut down the truth, but when the truth has millions of people on its side, you can't keep it down for good. And there's no more powerful or urgent argument for your support of Mother Jones' journalism right now than that. We need to raise about $450,000 to hit our online fundraising budget in these next few months, so please read more from Monika and pitch in if you can.

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REAL QUICK, REAL URGENT

Minority rule, corruption, disinformation, attacks on those who dare tell the truth: There is a direct line from what's happening in Russia and Ukraine to what's happening here at home. And that's what MoJo's Monika Bauerlein writes about in "Their Fight Is Our Fight" to unpack the information war we find ourselves in and share a few examples to show why the power of independent, reader-supported journalism is such a threat to authoritarians.

Corrupt leaders the world over can (and will) try to shut down the truth, but when the truth has millions of people on its side, you can't keep it down for good. And there's no more powerful or urgent argument for your support of Mother Jones' journalism right now than that. We need to raise about $450,000 to hit our online fundraising budget in these next few months, so please read more from Monika and pitch in if you can.

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