420- Worthy Tips for Pick-Up Artists

For indispensable reporting on the coronavirus crisis, the election, and more, subscribe to the Mother Jones Daily newsletter.


It must be 420 because I got a press release from someone who’s been drinking the bong water: It advises men how to pick up “city women” by wearing hair mascara, ankle charm bracelets, and mirdles (that’s male girdles, for all you non-pick-up artists out there). Piggybacking off the New York Times‘ fashion article on peacocking, self-proclaimed “celebrity” pick-up artist and My Jewelry Box CEO, David Mamane (A.K.A. Diamond Guy) hocks his company’s sparkling wares, along with a few others, with these oh-so-cleverly disguised seduction tips:

1. Not so good at starting a conversation?  Ask her if she wants you to open her beer with your belt.  The hipster guitar belt buckle and beer bottle opener are a great conversation starter.
2.
If you’re a genius at talking the talk, lure her in by wearing a bright “notice-me” watch that says you are always available when someone is looking for the time. This red, white and blue watch from MyJewelryBox.com says you’re patriotic, leading to more conversation!  
3.
Had to give up your gym membership during the recession? Look 7 lbs slimmer by wearing a Mirdle from Kymaro and explain to girls that you are comfortable with who you are and don’t need to go to the gym to look this good.
4. Charm her with an ankle charm bracelet that features a lock and key from MyJewelryBox.com. Tell her you have the key to her heart at your feet and give her this ankle bracelet if she’s worthy of it.  
5.  Lighten-Up your locks and show your softer side with the portable Fix My Roots hair mascara from Kymaro. Paint it on before you hit the town and you’ll be amazed at how you can secretly seduce.

Who among us, barring frigid, un-American spinsters, can truly say they’ve never been bedded by a patriotic watch?

In the spirit of giving, here are a few seduction strategies that Mr. Guy may have overlooked:

The TV-Hat, the television you wear on your face, will show her she’s not the only one that needs attention. Easily avoid the meddlesome interaction known as “listening.”

Penazzling. And you thought women had all the fun! Show your lady that you care by bejeweling your family jewels! Sure, she might be weirded out at first, but once she sees her initials on your junk, she’ll be rendered speechless, except perhaps to say, “God, I respect you.”

Fundies. Double your romance without doubling your laundry by buying this sexy tandem undergarment (seen above).

SIX TRUTHS

Reclaiming power from those who abuse it often starts with telling the truth. And in "This Is How Authoritarians Get Defeated," MoJo's Monika Bauerlein unpacks six truths to remember during the homestretch of an election where democracy, truth, and decency are on the line.

Truth #1: The chaos is the point.

Truth #2: Team Reality is bigger than it seems.

Truth #3: Facebook owns this.

Truth #4: When we go to work, we're in the fight.

Truth #5: It's about minority rule.

Truth #6: The only thing that can save us is…us.

Please take a moment to see how all these truths add up, because what happens in the weeks and months ahead will reverberate for at least a generation and we better be prepared.

And if you think journalism like Mother Jones'—that calls it like it is, that will never acquiesce to power, that looks where others don't—can help guide us through this historic, high-stakes moment, and you're able to right now, please help us reach our $350,000 goal by October 31 with a donation today. It's all hands on deck for democracy.

payment methods

SIX TRUTHS

Reclaiming power from those who abuse it often starts with telling the truth. And in "This Is How Authoritarians Get Defeated," MoJo's Monika Bauerlein unpacks six truths to remember during the homestretch of an election where democracy, truth, and decency are on the line.

Truth #1: The chaos is the point.

Truth #2: Team Reality is bigger than it seems.

Truth #3: Facebook owns this.

Truth #4: When we go to work, we're in the fight.

Truth #5: It's about minority rule.

Truth #6: The only thing that can save us is…us.

Please take a moment to see how all these truths add up, because what happens in the weeks and months ahead will reverberate for at least a generation and we better be prepared.

And if you think journalism like Mother Jones'—that calls it like it is, that will never acquiesce to power, that looks where others don't—can help guide us through this historic, high-stakes moment, and you're able to right now, please help us reach our $350,000 goal by October 31 with a donation today. It's all hands on deck for democracy.

payment methods

We Recommend

Latest

Sign up for our free newsletter

Subscribe to the Mother Jones Daily to have our top stories delivered directly to your inbox.

Get our award-winning magazine

Save big on a full year of investigations, ideas, and insights.

Subscribe

Support our journalism

Help Mother Jones' reporters dig deep with a tax-deductible donation.

Donate