April 29, 2009

I Would Like to Introduce Our Federal Government to Photoshop

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By now, the profound idiocy of the White House Military Office’s decision to stage a terrifying photo op for an Air Force One jet over New York City on Monday has been widely, and rightly, condemned. However, I haven’t heard anyone offer any proactive, money-saving solutions… until now! Esteemed employees of our federal government, please allow me, your comically named Mother Jones contributor, to acquaint you with a magical, spell-casting piece of computer wizardry called Photoshop. With Photoshop, anything can be anywhere, at any time! Skeptical? Well, just take a look at some examples after the jump!

Eager to show our government supports noodly indie electro-rock and the hipsters who flock to it? Let’s have Air Force One do a quick fly-by of the Coachella festival! But wait a minute! Unfortunately, while the jet engine noise would have flowed perfectly into My Bloody Valentine’s set, the wake turbulence could cause untold hairstyle damage. Therefore, an actual flyover just isn’t possible. So what do we do? Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Photoshop!

On a more serious note, say that perhaps you’re engaged in a delicate standoff with a ruthless, unhinged dictator. You’d love to swing by and give him the bird out the window, but that seems kind of dangerous. However, with the magic of Photoshop, Air Force One can be in Pyongyang in a flash, and what’s more, poor Kim Jong-il will totally believe it really happened!

Perhaps most intriguingly, the magical powers of Photoshop mean that Air Force One can fly to places both real and imaginary. For instance, ever wondered what would have happened if our government intervened in the Imperial stormtrooper attack on Luke Skywalker’s aunt and uncle’s farm on Tatooine? We could have avoided all that Ewok crap!

For your convenience, I now present a cost-benefit analysis.

  Federal Government’s Air Force One
Manhattan Photo Shoot 		Party Ben’s Photoshop Wizardry
Cost $328,000, panic $10/hour, mild anxiety
Benefit “real” “awesome”

 

White House, please feel free to get in touch via Mother Jones.

[Update: Dammit, the New York Daily News beat me to this by like 30 minutes. ]

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WE CAME UP SHORT.

We just wrapped up a shorter-than-normal, urgent-as-ever fundraising drive and we came up about $45,000 short of our $300,000 goal.

That means we're going to have upwards of $350,000, maybe more, to raise in online donations between now and June 30, when our fiscal year ends and we have to get to break-even. And even though there's zero cushion to miss the mark, we won't be all that in your face about our fundraising again until June.

So we urgently need this specific ask, what you're reading right now, to start bringing in more donations than it ever has. The reality, for these next few months and next few years, is that we have to start finding ways to grow our online supporter base in a big way—and we're optimistic we can keep making real headway by being real with you about this.

Because the bottom line: Corporations and powerful people with deep pockets will never sustain the type of journalism Mother Jones exists to do. The only investors who won’t let independent, investigative journalism down are the people who actually care about its future—you.

And we hope you might consider pitching in before moving on to whatever it is you're about to do next. We really need to see if we'll be able to raise more with this real estate on a daily basis than we have been, so we're hoping to see a promising start.

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