The Chimps are Weaponizing

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Seriously, folks, get your shotguns. Chimpanzees, which are like humans but way more willing to rip out your throat, reportedly have the ability to create and stockpile weapons. It’s only a matter of time until Dr. Zaius rules us all.

Chimps have long been known to stockpile food, but a 30-year-old chimp named Santino is making news because he does far more: he finds stones in his Swedish zoo home, smashes them into throwable size, and then stores them in caches that face the viewing area on the edge of his enclosure. When tourists show up, he lets fly, throwing up to 20 rocks in rapid succession and sometimes hitting visitors standing 30 feet away across a water-filled moat. When no rocks are available for his villainy, Santino hacks chunks of concrete off the artificial boulders in his pen and assaults humans using those.

We have a super-ape on our hands, people. And frankly, I don’t think this is going to help:

In order to decrease his agitation, which was fueled in part by high testosterone levels characteristic of dominant males, the animal was castrated last fall.

No video of Santino’s (premeditated) war on mankind appears to be available, despite the fact that it would be the most successful YouTube video of all time.

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FACT:

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