For indispensable reporting on the coronavirus crisis, the election, and more, subscribe to the Mother Jones Daily newsletter. Okay, I knew that pneumonia story was suspicious. It turns out Eminem wasn’t just in the hospital for a cough. The rapper has apparently ballooned into a “fat Elvis,” this according to his mom, who’s quoted in a gossip blog saying the 5 foot 7 rapper now weighs over 200 pounds and was hospitalized for possible heart problems as well as the pneumonia. Apparently the rapper is “depressed.” But it feels so empty without you! Following in the wake of Radiohead‘s post-EMI success, both Coldplay and Robbie Williams are reportedly considering leaving the label as well. Well if you have a “pay what you want” internet site, please do it in dollars so I don’t screw it up again. Oh wait, I don’t buy music from either of you. Soulja Boy has set a digital sales record. His irrepressible hit “Crank Dat (Soulja Boy),” whose eponymous subtitle confuses and infuriates me, has become the first track to sell 3 million downloads. The music videos have been viewed over 50 million times on YouTube. Soulja Boy responded to the news by saying, “Yuuuuaaaa!!” Seriously. This year’s Coachella music festival near Palm Springs is set for the weekend of April 25-27, and now Idolator has what they call the “first fake line-up” for this year’s festival, although Stereogum posted one back in November. Nothing, however, beats the one you can see after the jump: Toto and Crash Test Dummies on the same stage? Don’t tease me.