The GOP Convention FAQ

In which our man Durst answers the people’s most pressing questions about the upcoming Philly hoedown.

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Q: Why Philadelphia?

A: Think of Pennsylvania as a swing state in a swing region which the GOP desperately needs to swing to its column come November.


Q: Bad timing with that whole thing with 11 Philly cops kicking the black suspect, eh?

A: Well, the good news is it might give the cops pause and cause the police requisitions officer to only order three tons of pepper gas to use on protesters instead of five.


Q: How will this Republican convention be remembered?

A: Probably as the Stealth Convention. Definitely as “Men In White Shoes And The Women With Big Hair Who Love Them.”


Q: Considering all the security, where’s the most dangerous part of Philly a person could get caught in?

A: With 18,000 media types expected, best avoid the convention center public bathrooms lest you be overcome by the hazardous clouds of TV anchor hairspray.


Q: Where’s the second most dangerous place?

A: Any place where you’ll be caught in the radiation crossfire of 30,000 cell phones being schmoozed at the same time.


Q: Where’s the safest place?

A: Barbara Bush’s bustle.


Q: Who could George W. possibly pick as veep to make him look presidential?

A: Don’t know. Wally Cox is dead. Barney Fife is a fictional character and Elian Gonzalez isn’t old enough.


Q: Who will be the least visible presence in Philadelphia?

A: Newt Gingrich and Dan Quayle.


Q: Who will be the most visible presence in Philadelphia?

A: J.C. Watts and Colin Powell.


Q: Who will be the bad guys at the GOP convention?

A: All the initials: NEA, HUD, HRC, ACLU, AFL-CIO, CPB, IRS, NPR, and TWA. But not WTO, SDI, NAFTA or GATT.


Q: TWA?

A. It’s a luggage thing.


Q: Who will …

A: Ronald Reagan.


Q: You didn’t even hear the question.

A: Didn’t need to.

SIX TRUTHS

Reclaiming power from those who abuse it often starts with telling the truth. And in "This Is How Authoritarians Get Defeated," MoJo's Monika Bauerlein unpacks six truths to remember during the homestretch of an election where democracy, truth, and decency are on the line.

Truth #1: The chaos is the point.

Truth #2: Team Reality is bigger than it seems.

Truth #3: Facebook owns this.

Truth #4: When we go to work, we're in the fight.

Truth #5: It's about minority rule.

Truth #6: The only thing that can save us is…us.

Please take a moment to see how all these truths add up, because what happens in the weeks and months ahead will reverberate for at least a generation and we better be prepared.

And if you think journalism like Mother Jones'—that calls it like it is, that will never acquiesce to power, that looks where others don't—can help guide us through this historic, high-stakes moment, and you're able to right now, please help us reach our $350,000 goal by October 31 with a donation today. It's all hands on deck for democracy.

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SIX TRUTHS

Reclaiming power from those who abuse it often starts with telling the truth. And in "This Is How Authoritarians Get Defeated," MoJo's Monika Bauerlein unpacks six truths to remember during the homestretch of an election where democracy, truth, and decency are on the line.

Truth #1: The chaos is the point.

Truth #2: Team Reality is bigger than it seems.

Truth #3: Facebook owns this.

Truth #4: When we go to work, we're in the fight.

Truth #5: It's about minority rule.

Truth #6: The only thing that can save us is…us.

Please take a moment to see how all these truths add up, because what happens in the weeks and months ahead will reverberate for at least a generation and we better be prepared.

And if you think journalism like Mother Jones'—that calls it like it is, that will never acquiesce to power, that looks where others don't—can help guide us through this historic, high-stakes moment, and you're able to right now, please help us reach our $350,000 goal by October 31 with a donation today. It's all hands on deck for democracy.

payment methods

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