I don’t mean to boost everyone’s blood pressure higher than opening bids on an Internet IPO by overreacting here, but if I were you, I’d find a nice safe steel bunker to hunker down behind, because it’s awards season. That means cast statuettes are being tossed around like vouchers in a South Carolinian Catholic school district. Like resumes at a Bill Bradley for President field office. Like hair spray at a West Virginia Junior Miss Pageant.
We got the Oscars, Comedy Awards, Country Music Awards, and Emmys coming up, and now it’s time for me to weigh in with the most important of them all: the Will Durst Thank God They Exist Because I’m A Topical Comic Awards.
The Leanest-and-Meanest Award:
Bank of America who gave CEO Hugh McColl a $50 million-dollar bonus after laying off 19,000 people in the face of a plunging stock price.
Playgirl’s Male Bimbo of the Year Award:
Rick Rockwell.
The “What was I thinking but let me on national television to ask that question over and over” Award:
Darva Conger.
The You Can’t Make Stuff Up Like This Award:
Jesse Ventura for leaving the Reform Party because it was “dysfunctional.”
MENSA’s Smartest Move of the Year Award:
John McCain.
Best Actress:
Hillary Clinton for her convincing depiction of an apprentice New Yorker.
The I Didn’t Need to Know That Award:
Bob Dole, Viagra, and erectile dysfunction.
The Unclear on the Concept Award:
A tie. The US Government for announcing its worried about the long term effects of medical marijuana on the terminally ill. And the University of Kentucky, which has banned alcohol on campus sending this message to students: If you want to drink, get a car.
Best Actor:
Body of work award goes to George W. Bush for his various portrayals as campaign finance reformer, environmentalist, and a man to whom breast cancer research is of the highest priority.
The “I sound like my hair looks” Award:
Al Gore. Runner up: Tipper.
Best Supporting Actor:
Tie goes to Bush supporters the Wyly Brothers, who, when questioned about the McCain attack ad they financed held a press conference vowing they had no co-ordination with the Bush campaign.
Biggest Score Award:
Whoever bought Incyte at 10.
The Oddest Couple Award:
GM and Fiat.
The Best Impression of a Sleepy Lizard in Search of a Warm Rock Award:
Beating out perennial favorite Sam Donaldson, Robert Novak.
The Hey, Who Knew Award:
Cable companies for raising rates by 21 percent despite the Telecommunications Act which of course they helped to write.
The Pixie Dust Award:
All us baby boomers counting on the Social Security System to take care of us when we get old.
Best Choreographer:
For the seventh straight year, Alan Greenspan.
The Kahoutek Award for Most Overrated Crisis Award:
Last year’s champ successfully defends title: Y2K. NASDAQ meltdown moving up fast on the outside.
The Proof That Some Species Really Do Eat Their Young Award:
Martha Stewart.
The Hamilton Burger Best Portrayal of an Attorney Destined to Lose Award
Group award to Microsoft’s lawyers.
The “Hey, What About Me, I Didn’t Quit Yet” Award:
Alan Keyes.
Will Durst is covering the 2000 election for the MoJo Wire. He is host of PBS’ “Livelyhood” and a Pisces whose favorite color is red.
