Three years ago, I wrote what might be the most important piece of service journalism I have ever published: informing the public that Olympic mascots are “creepy af.” Now, if you’re a casual Olympics viewer who tunes in for a few swim races and a bit of gymnastics and track, you may be unaware that each Olympics—both winter and summer—features a mascot that will haunt your dreams. As I wrote back in 2018, “more often than not these fuzzy creatures have been horrific violations of nature.”
On first glance at their cartoon visages, the pair seem to buck the trend. They are objectively harmless, cute, almost Pokémon-esque. That’s Miraitowa—the blue Olympic mascot—on the left, and Someity—the pink mascot for the Paralympics—on the right.
But dig deeper, and an unsettling truth emerges. First, while they may appear friendly and cuddly in animated form, as IRL creatures of tuft and fur and dead, unblinking eyes they are threatening monstrosities.
Their bios take an equally dark turn. Miraitowa’s name is a combination of “eternity” and “future,” meaning it will haunt you wherever you go, forever. Literally, since for some reason it has the ability “to instantly teleport anywhere it wants.”
Take the image below. You may think you are safely protected by the Olympic ring barrier, but never forget that Miraitowa can instantly teleport right behind you and commence leering at you.
Winking at schoolchildren—not at all unsettling, you quantum pervert.
Here is Miraitowa doing some vulgar semaphoring:
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Someity is not much better. It has “mighty powers and cherry blossom tactile sensors.” Who doesn’t love cherry blossoms? But those blossom sensors are deceiving, since in fact Someity “can use the sensors on the sides of its head for telepathic powers, fly using its Ichimatsu-pattern cape and even move objects without touching them.”
The lifeless eyes of the man below communicate one thing: Stay out of my thoughts, you creep.
Someity also “can communicate with natural elements, such as stones and the wind.” Presumably, it used those unnatural powers to build this hideous shrine to itself and Miraitowa in the manner of all self-mythologizing fascists.
Like a true supervillain, Someity even has a robot helper.
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The two make a formidable team, an Avengers-worthy complement of superpowers pared down to one duo. Why do they need such fearsome, god-like qualities? What plans do they have for overtaking the Olympic village once all the athletes are there? Some clues might be found in this video of Miraitowa and Someity invading Paris.
You know who else invaded Paris?
In fairness to the two mascots, they are alas not the most worrisome aspect of the Olympics, which are still mindbogglingly set to begin this weekend. If Miraitowa or Someity really were here to do good, they’d help us teleport these games to another planet.