July/August 2010 Issue

Blezzed R Teh Cheezmakers

Rewriting the word of God for kitties, coders, and conservatives.

Illustration: Courtesy Ulysses Press

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The recently released LOLcat Bible (Ulysses Press) mashes up enduring sacred texts with the endearing Internet meme of captioned kitties. It’s the latest in a long line of alternative translations of the holy book, some meant to amuse, others meant to spread the word to readers who aren’t moved by 17th-century English. Some samples:

LOLcat Bible

Ceiling Cat is mai sheperd. He gif me evrithing Iz need. He letz me sleeps in teh sunni spot an has liek nice watterz ovar thar. —Psalms 23:1-2

Wen dey wer nommin Happy Cat taek teh cheezburger an brek it, an he sez, “Taek dis cheezburger an eet it, cuz dis liek mah bodi. But dun reely nom me. Just nom teh cheezburger an pretend it mah bodi. K?” —Mark 14:22

Conservative Bible Project

He replied, “You lawyers will be accountable too! For you impose burdensome regulations on others, but will not lift a finger to help those who struggle with them.” —Luke 11:46

Cockney Lord’s Prayer

Guv, please give us some Uncle Fred, and enough grub and stuff to keep us going today, and we hope you’ll forgive us when we cock things up, just like we’re supposed to forgive them who annoy us and do dodgy stuff to us…You’re the Boss, God, and will be for ever, innit? —Matthew 6:9-13

The Hipster Book of Job

And Job was like, “What you did to me was pretty effed up. But these are some pretty deep words. I’m sorry I was such a little bitch.” And God was like, “Ain’t no thing.” —Job 42:1-6

The Manga Bible

Cain: Whassup, bro? I’ve got something I wanna show you in my farm.

Abel: Sounds interesting…What is it?

Cain: Your death, you smug *$!@%!

—Genesis 4:8

Da Jesus Book (Hawaiian Pidgin)

God wen make um all: all kine wild animals, an all kine animals dat live wit peopo, an all da small kine animals dat run aroun on top da groun. An God look da animals, an he tell, “Real, real good, all dat!” —Genesis 1:24-25

Technical Slang Bible

At time t = 0, Elohiym implemented the heavens and Earth…And Elohiym said, “Let there be electromagnetic radiation,” and there was electromagnetic radiation. —Genesis 1:1-3

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We just wrapped up a shorter-than-normal, urgent-as-ever fundraising drive and we came up about $45,000 short of our $300,000 goal.

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