Prepare To Be Blown Away By the iPhone 8

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Hayley Tsukayama reports on the latest exciting news from Apple:

Having decided to give the latest iPhones — the iPhone 7 and iPhone 7 Plus — a smaller-than-expected makeover, the pressure is on to deliver something spectacular with the next models. Apple insiders expect the company to show off a 10th-anniversary model of the iPhone that is substantially redesigned, with an edge-to-edge screen and no home button.

ZOMG! I’m not sure my heart can take excitment of this caliber. Does “substantially redesigned” mean yet another kind of connector so you have to toss out all your old accessories? Dees it mean a slightly different form factor so that your old cases won’t work? Does it mean a brand new color?¹ Does it mean putting the headphone jack back on top? Or wait. Does the iPhone even have a headphone connector anymore? I guess not. That was last year’s big news. Maybe this year they’ll adopt an entirely new way of piping encoded music that’s only compatible with Apple branded buds. It’s all to protect the customer experience, you see.

Perhaps you’re an Apple fan and don’t appreciate my juvenile snark. I understand. But seriously, Steve Jobs died six years ago. How long does it take before his reality distortion field fades away too?

¹In fairness, though, I have to give the color bamboozlement award to Microsoft this year. They recently released a new stylus for the Surface tablet, and the old silver color has been rebranded platinum and costs $20 more.

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This is no time to come up short. It's time to fight like hell, as our namesake would tell us to do, for a democracy where minority rule cannot impose an extreme agenda, where facts matter, and where accountability has a chance at the polls and in the press. If you value our reporting and you can right now, please help us dig out of the $100,000 hole we're starting our new budgeting cycle in with an always-needed and always-appreciated donation today.

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