Amazon Will Open HQ 2.0 in Your City If You Bribe Them Enough

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A couple of days ago Amazon announced that it would be opening a “second headquarters” somewhere in the United States. Since then, there’s been a cottage industry in pieces about why some particular city would be great for Amazon.

Knock it off, please. Amazon can google this stuff as well as the rest of us, and they already know which cities are serious contenders. Among those cities, the winner will be whichever one showers them with the biggest bribes.

Alternatively, they literally know the winner already, and the competion is just a ruse to raise the bribe amount from gargantuan to record-shattering.

One way or another, though, it’s all about the bribes. And if you have to ask the price of entry, you can’t afford it.